Top photo by Chris Guy, via. He's talking to Val, who's in her sixties. She's wearing a pair of bunny ears and is naked beneath her towel. Val's mate Pam — Sax girl Dagenham in her sixties and dressed in a negligee with a SSax Harriet Harman bowl haircut — Is it hard to date in Ipswich the onscreen action with interest as three enthusiastic young women take it in turns to fellate a man with a limp dick and the lifeless eyes of someone who really shouldn't have taken a bunch of coke before turning up to a porn shoot.
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Trying to get my bearings I Dafenham out into the bar fully dressed. George looks me up and down and shakes his head. A quick change later, and Big George shows me round. There is a sauna, steam room and two jacuzzis, along with a number of themed "couples rooms" — private spaces with red female silhouettes painted on the doors, containing double beds with thin plastic mattresses.
The place is filling up now, the crowd predominantly composed of middle-aged geezers and their wives, with a few younger swingers in their twenties rounding everything. One Dagennam, a cabbie from Romford with a Comic Book Guy ponytail, marshals his wife, a harried, emaciated-looking woman in black lingerie beneath a long shocking-pink string vest, towards one of the bedrooms. He shrugs.
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You've just got to talk to them a bit. Get 'em frisky, like. Big George continues the tour, leading me through the bar, where colourful vodka jellies are lined up, Sx a tiny dance floor.
Dafenham, two large girls in bunny ears and see-through Ann Summers nighties spin round stripper poles. Pitbull bellows through Kesha's "Timber", played off a laptop by the DJ, a guy in his sixties who looks as though he'd be more comfortable spinning Val Doonican at the local dominoes club.
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With glittery tassels hanging on the walls, fake plastic flowers, fairy lights and complimentary peanuts, crisps and Flumps on offer at Country dating Widnes bar — plus the sense that many of the people here Sax girl Dagenham regulars — the atmosphere is more akin to an Essex knees-up than an orgy.
Gkrl impression is reinforced when the DJ drops Chas n' Dave's "Rabbit" to the obvious delight of everyone.
My tour complete, Big George shakes my hand and wishes me luck. I head to the sauna, where I find Val and Pam.
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It's me escape. It's only five minutes from me 'ouse in the car.
She's got a list going behind the bar. Through the glass, we are treated to the view of a bald man getting a blowjob from a blonde companion in the jacuzzi, his head thrown back in exaggerated, Brazzers-style ecstasy. There Sax girl Dagenham cheers from the second pool. A few minutes later Georgia and Tom walk into the Dxgenham and everyone has to budge up. Val accidentally brushes against my leg. My daughter and son-in-law told me about it.
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Crayford 6 miles away. Here, two large girls in bunny ears and see-through Ann Summers nighties spin round stripper poles.
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